Two be or not two be…

So it still hasn’t sunk in yet…

I’m pregnant…

Again.

No, not for a second time, this is the fourth time we have had the joy, the excitement and the fear felt from holding a positive pregnancy test.

Unfortunately the first two times ended in miscarriage. We desperately wanted a baby, so badly; I can’t describe the pain of losing our baby, not just once, but twice.

So I won’t, I’ll save the stories for another blog post… maybe. However I will share with you we lost our first at 11 weeks; a missed miscarriage only picked up at our 12 week scan. Our second was lost naturally at around just 6 weeks, following some bleeding and the discovery of an 8cm cyst on my ovary.

Long after both of these we were still trying, and every month I struggled with my grief when once again I realised we’d failed to conceive.

I decided my way of getting closure was to have a tattoo, so I always had my angels with me.

image

It worked.

By dates, the day I had my tattoo was the day I fell pregnant with our son, who’s now 9 months old.

The tattoo brings me great comfort, and I genuinely feel our son wouldn’t be here without it, as I needed it to mentally move in.

So, knowing what you know now, I how you can start to appreciate how I’m feeling at the moment.

This pregnancy wasn’t really planned, although very much wanted; we were happy to allow fate to take control. But now that I am pregnant, I’m struggling to believe it.

You see, for me, pregnancy does not automatically equals a baby.

It makes this time so difficult. I want to shout about it from the rooftops, but daren’t to save others around us the possible heartache. I’m terrified we’re going to have to go through all the pain again.

I just can’t get my hopes up until we have seen our new addition wriggling around on that grainy screen, or heard that fast rhythmic boom-boom beat of its little heart.

I panic if I don’t ‘feel pregnant’, but have to remind myself that with all the running around after our son, I don’t really have time to! And then later when I feel sick, I laugh at myself for worrying.

It’s such a rollercoaster. It’s all ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’. I just want to allow myself to get excited and start planning.

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