Tick tock tick tock

**RIDICULOUSLY LONG POST KLAXON**

Today I am 6 days over due.
I did not expect this to happen at all.
I honestly thought I’d have a 2-3 week old by now.
In my head I was totally convinced Baby was coming mid-late Feb. Hubs’ 30th birthday was 23rd Feb and we both thought Baby would have arrived around then.

But it’s now the 7th March and still s/he’s tucked up snugly in there.
Although I’m just 6 days over, in my head I feel about 2 weeks over!

And I think I’m the problem. I think my mind hasn’t been ‘in the right place’ to allow labour to happen.

I’ve battled to get my head around the fact there’s going to be another little one here soon. My mind has been more on to do lists and schedules recently than baby cuddles and relaxation.

We’ve tirelessly plodded on with the house projects, and until a couple of weeks ago my brain was definitly more kitchen focused than baby focused.
Friends and family have called by to help and there’s been such a panic to ‘get everything done before Baby arrives’.
Times I should have spent with my feet up, making the most of the quieter days, have in fact been spent orchestrating/supervising visitors, contractors and helpers, and cleaning up their subsequent messes.

As well as the busyness, I’ve got the whole ‘OMG there’s going to be two of them’ thing going on.
I’ve poured so much energy and love over F recently; trying to absorb every last minute of it being just us. It’s been special, and I won’t get these last 18 months back. I know I’m biassed, but he’s truly amazing, and I’ve lost hours to just watching him take the world in through his beautiful blue eyes.
It’s been tiring though, being so heavily pregnant, up and down after cars lost behind furniture, chasing him round the house when he desperately needs a clean nappy – but it’s the last thing he wants, lifting him in and out of his cot/up and down from high chairs and sofas.
And now that I’ve taught him to say please he’s a demanding little thing!
“Fisshhh, food, pleeeease” (feed the fish)
“Brrrrroommm/choochoooo/chuckachucka, pleeeease” (Can I have a car/train/helicopter toy please)
And heaven forbid I should pick the wrong book off the shelf! I have unwillingly taught him that I am his slave!
But I wouldn’t change it.

I’ve been worrying how I’m going to give both babies enough attention. I’m frequently told F is a very bright and happy boy, and a credit to us and the way we are with him. I worry that I won’t be able to continue giving him such attention, or that the Baby won’t have enough attention to learn things as quickly as he has.

A few people have warned me to take special care so that F doesn’t get left out once baby arrives. In fact I’ve been worried about the opposite. F is adored by our friends and family, and throughout pregnancy I’ve often felt like Baby plays second fiddle. Excitement doesn’t seem to be as rife as it was when I was pregnant before. Thinking about it this is mainly a theory I’ve conjured up out of nothing, probably because I myself have been so pre-occupied, and also because of facts such as us not really having to have bought too much new stuff for this baby.

Hubs is now self employed and recently all his jobs have been a good hour away. I’ve been so worried that everything would happen quickly and he wouldn’t get back in time that I think I’ve subconsciously suppressed the onset of labour until a ‘more convenient time’. Alas, now he has a few days clear in his diary, having expected Bubs to be here, of course there is no sign of Baby being forthcoming in his/her arrival.

The last few days though I think I’ve turned a corner. Of course I’m still nervous about how everything will pan out, but for the most part the nerves have been replaced with excitement for the future, and a longing to have our little baby out in the big wide world so everyone can have the opportunity to love him/her as much as I do.

So I’ve come round to the idea of having our second baby, great! But why is my body less keen?!

I’ve had a week of quite strong Braxton Hicks now, and in all honesty, I’m sick of them! I had two full blown false alarms prior to this too.

This causes me yet more anxiety; why is nothing happening? Is something wrong? Am I doing something wrong? Is poor Baby getting as knackered as me from all this tightening and teasing?

These BHs seem to come at their strongest when I’m in the bath, so I’ve been having lots of baths, but then they go again, especially if I get out and lay down. If I sit up in bed they come, so again I do this, but it soon gets uncomfortable to be in that position for long.
Add to the discomfort my fear that resting in such positions will cause baby to turn ‘back to back’ and I’m dealing with a mental minefield.

On Monday I had reflexology. Mon and tues I had nice strong tightenings on and off all day. Promising stuff. But while Hubs put F to bed I decided to have a good tidy up. Annoyingly, all tightenings stopped.

Yesterday (weds) I had acupuncture. It was brilliant. Almost as soon as she got to work with the needless, the tightenings that had all but vanished came back quite noticeably. She said it was very promising, and they should continue throughout the day and hopefully turn in to full blown contractions fairly quickly.
They did continue, and in the bath later they got quite strong and regular. Annoyingly I really had to get out and go to the loo, and get a drink. By which time they didn’t seem as strong. Having got my room ready for birthing I crawled into bed and did some relaxation. When things seemed to be happening regularly every 7 mins or so I asked Hubs to come home from tennis. He rushed back and was keen to get everything ready; fill the pool, call the midwives etc. I told him there was little point as everything had stayed the same for a couple of hours so far, so we should wait until everything stepped up a gear and sent him off to watch TV. That was 10pm. At midnight he came through and I disappointingly told him that there was still no change to frequency/intensity, and he should try and sleep.
I was reluctant to sleep in case it caused everything to stop. But I was so tired I had to close my eyes. Predictably, when I woke a bit later, there was little sign of the contractions I’d been feeling earlier. Disappointed, and still very sleepy, I slipped back off to sleep. About 4am I woke again, but this time it seemed everything had ground to a halt. I tried to hide my devastated sobs from my sleeping husband.

Everything had been looking so promising, so perfect, so well timed! I was so excited to think that F would wake up a big brother, no one would have had to have been troubled to look after him, and crucially to me, no one would have known about our labour and so I wouldn’t have had the niggle in the back of my mind that people were worrying about me.
It was just how I has pictured it in my head when I planned my home birth.

I knew it was too good to be true.

This morning I’m achey. Prob due to the hours of contractions last night. I’m tired and I’m mentally exhausted.
I’m fed up with the well meaning and excited friends and family pestering me for news, like their quizzing will make Baby come any quicker.
Most of all I feel like a failure, like I could have kept the contractions going last night. What if I’d stayed in the bath longer? What if I’d spent longer sitting than laying? What if I’d got on my birth ball and stopped being lazy? What if I’d called the midwives and mentally told myself I was in labour, rather than putting it off in case it did stop? What if I’d managed to stay awake and focus on what I was doing? What if what if what if.

I have a midwife appointment this afternoon. I know she’ll offer a sweep, but despite my impatience I don’t want one. Being a HypnoBirthing mummy wanting a natural birth, I don’t want to be messed about with and bullied into labour. Even going for reflexology and acupuncture was a daunting idea to me.

F’s labour was fast and text book. I woke up with irregular, weak contractions at about 5 am. I was 3cm at 12pm, and he was born naturally at 2:30pm.

I don’t know how to mentally handle this current situation. It’s such a time of limbo and wondering what’s going on.
I’m terrified of being artificially induced due to my beliefs and understandings surrounding natural births and unnecessary intervention. I know this is something the midwife will discuss today. I’m so drained I know that this will be an emotional conversation, one I’m not looking forward to. And one I genuinely thought I would never go long enough to have.
Thankfully my midwife is lovely and very natural birth orientated too, so I’m hoping she’s supportive.

I’m worried she’ll find a problem today too; Babys position or that s/he’s still not fully engaged. I’m worried that the false starts this week will cause concern and prevent me having my home birth. In turn if anything stops me from having a home birth, I can’t have the baby at the Midwife Led Unit either, so will be facing another delivery suite birth, where the chances if getting as good a birth as I had before are much reduced.

So as I sit here eating my bowl of over-ripened pineapple I’d been putting off eating hoping I wouldn’t need to, ignoring the back ache and trying to focus on the very occasional teeny tiny hint of something similar to a contraction, I really am in a funny old place. I don’t know how to make sense of both my physical and mental feelings, I’m not sure such a thing is possible.

I’m hopeful my appointment this afternoon will help me understand what’s going on so my brain can be in the right place. All being well I may be able to have more acupuncture tomorrow which will hopefully get my body in the right place too. Put them together and what have you got? Yet more disappointment, probably.
Nonetheless I cling to the glimmer of hope that everything will go as I envision it too. “Everything happens for a reason” is my life motto and I guess this is no exception to that. What will be will be and as long as baby arrives safely and calmly then I’ll be happy and this will all be worth it.

I hoped that some how writing all this down would clear my head. I didn’t write it for others to read really, so if you have just poured through all this, I thank you.
Many people have messaged me on twitter with advice and understanding, and for that I’m very grateful. It’s a welcome change from the “has s/he arrived yet” questions the ‘real world’ keep bombarding me with, and reminds me I’m not alone.

I’m now off to finish my pineapple and try to relax. I’ll keep you posted on any developments. Xxx

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One response to “Tick tock tick tock

  1. Oh dude 😦
    You’re doing nothing wrong and all of these thoughts and feelings I’m sure are totally 100% normal. As is being exhausted and frustrated and everything else that comes with wanting to cuddle your new baby after housing it in your belly for so long.
    I wish there was something helpful or in insightful or comforting that I could say but I got nothing!
    You WILL have him or her soon and s/he will be perfect and F will be an amazing big brother and you will probably never want to look at a pineapple again xxx

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